Monday, November 2, 2009

Mind F#$k - New Focus

I'm laying back at home listening to the Styx an album my buddy JJ brought over months it. JJ and his wife Cezanne just had their second child yesterday, a little girl ....congrats to them.

So I left off just having heard that it seemed my time had run out, I had to have another bone marrow biopsy to confirm what exactly the situation was. They are quite unpleasant especially when feeling unwell. They stick a large needle in to the top of your hip, deep into the core to extract a sliver of bone marrow that they can test to see what the cancer is doing. It takes all the docs strength to drive that thing in there and your breath away once there in. I've had so many over the years and they still get me clammy. It would be a week of me waiting for confirmation...i don't even remember my frame of mind anymore as i think i went numb. I finally get the call and would you believe there was a third option...just a viral infection,all was fine- just a set back. I love my doctor, he has kept me alive for all these years going above and beyond with me as he does with all his patients. I'd do anything for him but it also opened my eyes to the fact they don't have all the answers. This is new territory for them also. I was one of the youngest people in Canada to be diagnosed with this disease and it seems to be really aggressive and unpredictable with us young folk.

Over the next several months I continued recovering, rehabbing my body slowly starting with a few push ups once per week soon incorporating total body exercises with some light dumbbells I had at home. I did some light walking and around Christmas I started back at the gym doing what I could. I was determined to be strong and healthy again and I trained like my life depended on it...!!? I was so intense, never spoke to anyone and I remember getting emotional almost every workout. The problem was my body couldn't handle what I was doing to it so I was always getting sick and having to start over. It was trying to recover and accept the new bone marrow and I'm making it repair and grow muscle. I was young and learning moderation would take time and lots of trial and error. I would never be the same after the transplant, it took a piece of me but I have high expectations for myself and I'm never satisfied. Looking back I'd give anything to feel the way I did after that first transplant.

About six months post transplant I began working a few hours a week back coaching tennis which proved vital for me to get out and begin coming alive again. I assisted with the competitive junior groups back at the NSWC where I had been before. We had all the best juniors in the province which made it fun and I began hitting in with them. Even before I got sick I hadn't really played tennis with any focus in years, even during college I had lost my love for it and did what I could to keep my scholarship but nothing more. I was pretty rusty but focused on improving. I probably neglected the kids at times but it made me a better coach being so passionate about getting better and I could transfer that to them. It felt good interacting with the kids and I began really enjoying tennis again.

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